The screaming. The crying. The yelling. The flaming toilet paper. These are the images conjured when we think of a prison riot. The inmates overpower the guards and take control of the very cage that held them. This was the scene today in Stormwind when crafty, clever, coniving, cunning, Bazil Thredd of the now defunct Defias Brotherhood led a revolt inside the confines of the Stockade. Despite his careful planning and the complete loyalty of most of the inmates, Thredd neglected to take into account some of the most famous prisoners contained within. Five of the most illustrious heroes the world of Azeroth has ever had the distinct pleasure of witnessing upon the field of almighty combat/battle just happened to be cooling their heels paying their debt to society for illegal use/distribution of Deviate Fish. WHAT IN TARDATION!
That's right! Despite their insurmountable power and influence, the extremely talented adventurers decided not to fight "the man" on this occasion and instead took a much deserved vacation in the dank halls of Stormwind's dungeon. Their sentence was 15 years but they would only serve a couple of weeks due to Thredd's untimely and ill-advised riot. Desiring only peace and quiet, the Tards were quite perturbed when the commotion began. Watching boredly from their cells as the Stormwind guards were routed by the half-naked criminals and driven from the Stockades in a fury of shed oppression. When the noise had died down, many of the prison's high-profile guests were released by Thredd and armed with all manner of weaponry. The Tards were left to languish, of course. Thredd knew well the horror they had inflicted upon the Defias stronghold in the Deadmines and thought better of letting these giants of the hero industry loose. But he choose his lieutenants poorly it seems.
One of the more prolific inmates was a heavy-set fellow named Hamhock. Being an ogre, his capacity for thought rivaled even the most dense of garden slugs. While doing his rounds in the early morning, Fellowyowler and Stabledancer enticed him to open their cage with offers of extended make-out sessions. Unable to control his urges (he'd been locked up a long time) he foolishly released the two Tauren. Once freedom had been gained the poor ogre got to make out with nothing but Fellow's punchasizing fist. Beaten within an inch of his life the dullard managed to escape to warn his boss. It was only a short time before the rest of the team had been freed, armed and suitably angered.
Giddy with freedom and a hefty slathering of irrational vengeance, the team set out down the long corridors of Stormwind Stockades slaughtering the shirtless denizens like a scythe of justice through criminal wheat. Despite the fact that they were ridding the world of some extremely horrible people, their only thought was finding Bazil Thredd and making him wish he had stayed comfortably in his cell. After all, who stages a riot without inviting the Tards? A FOOL that's who. A dead fool to be more precise. Thredd had taken refuge in a far corner of the jail with many a prisoner to block the advance of the super-team. But it was hardly a roadblock for them. Before long Bazil Thredd lay bleeding and dead before their feet.
Think not of their motives, dear readers. Simply thank them for ridding the world of yet another dangerous individual. There is no telling what sort of havoc a half-naked prisoner army could have wreaked upon the... oh who am I kidding... they beat up a chump...
On this day the day will live as a day of days today!
The clever folks of <What in Tardation> have graced The Barrens yet again with their unstoppable fury and mystical might! Too long have the porcine inhabitants of Razorfen Kraul plagued the Southern Gold Road with their oinking and their snorting and their wee-wee-wee-all-the-way-homing! And though they made their house of not bricks or sticks or even straw, but gigantic thorny thorns the Tards huffed and puffed and beat the ever-loving snot out of their little piggy snouts.
First to meet their untimely end was the Death's Head Prophet Aggem Thorncurse. It is unknown what sort of prophetic prohecies this prophet has prophecied, but it's fairly certain at this point that he didn't see Levittra's gigantic axe splitting his face in two.
Next was Death Speaker Jargba. Reportedly this ominous title means that he is yet another prophet of the Death's Head cult who supposedly think the great pig-god Agamaggan will some day return from the dead. Perhaps if these silly porkers weren't so busy waiting for Agamaggan they might have time to decipher the near future and avoid being slaughtered and eaten by the Tard's trained Ravagers. It is speculated that Jargba attempted to use his mind-control abilities on Fellowyowler, but was unable to locate anything resembling a usable mind in the cow's head.
Much deeper in the cavernous depths of Razorfen Kraul, the super-team encountered Overlord Ramtusk. With a mighty squeal of, "For Victory! For Agamaggan!" The Overlord charged into combat flanked by two of his trusty spear-wielding minions. One such minion was pelted into a bloody mass by arrows before he could even cock back his arm to throw his first javelin. The Tards made short work of the Overlord and his remaining guard and took a fine two-handed axe as spoils wondering why in the name of pig-gods the Overlord wasn't using such a powerful axe.
Deeper still into the Kraul after battling battalions of bats, the heroes encountered a group of pig-priests maintaining a powerful forcefield. After dispatching the uselessly weak priests, the team peered into the depths of the narrow cave contained behind the now-fallen field. With a mighty OINK Agathelos the Raging came charging at them. I gigantic boar the size of a gigantic thing, mad-eyed with rage! Joytard and Terzie the two hunters of the group immediately began playing rock-paper-scissors for who would get to tame the beast and cart it off to their stable. Unfortunately for them the mighty pig did not live up to it's colossal size and actually did not live at all. He was killed. Dead. With deadly death. What I mean is that he did not survive long enough to be tamed by either hunter so they couldn't make him their pet at all. Because he died.
Finally, they came upon the mistress of the thorny lair. Chargla Razorflank the crone. Apparently, aside from being the undisputed ruler of the quillboar she is also some sort of educator as well! The first thing she said when encountered was, "Troublesome whelps, I'll teach you to interfere!" The Tards thanked Chargla for the offer but as they were already interference experts they weren't interested in her instructions. She must have been running some sort of scam, however as she immediately demanded payment for the lessons saying, "You outsiders will pay for encroaching on our land!" It wasn't until the first lightning bolt shocked through the team that they realized she might not be a teacher at all! Stabbing, slashing, shooting, and biting her to a pulp quickly put any chance of figuring out what sort of financing options she had available.
Happy news for The Barrens today, as it was reported the extremely talented members of <What in Tardation> crushed, maimed and utterly obliterated the weird splinter-cult known as the Druids of the Fang.
Their first defense consisted of living in a cave so twisty and convoluted as to confuse and disorient everyone entering it's winding depths thereby ensuring that at least one of their core leadership would escape punishment. Unfortunately for these snake-lovers they did not count upon the impeccible navigation afforded by the Hunter Terzie's almost unconscious sense of direction. Second, the druids employed magic of the natural school so as to stay out of harms way while pelting assailants with electrical energy! The Tards outsmarted this cunning device by using the old "One-guy-gets-their-attention-runs-behind-a-rock-then-we-beat-the-snot-out-of-them" trick. A classic. Third, the druids enlisted the help of two mighty monsters to defend their maniacal cause (whatever that was). Met first by the tards was the colossal menace Skum. A mindless lizard the size of a house who you'd think would be absolutely fearless even in the face of utter annihilation! Not so! Even gigantic dinosaur-like lizards are no match for these mega-super-ultra heroes. After recieving grievous wounds Skum crashed through his pen and attempted to make a break for the entrance to no avail! You can't outrun arrows or apparently ravagers. The other monster was Verdan the Everliving. Needless to say his title was shortly changed to Verdan the Not-so-living-anymore. Finally the tards met with the leader of the strange snake-worshipping weirdos, Lord Serpentis who was quoted as saying, "I am the serpent king I can do anything!" It is thought this was an attempt to frighten the Tards into submission. Apparently, one of the things included in "anything" was to die a painful death at the hands of heroes.
Dusting their hands with a job well done the Tards made to exit the caverns with a few more scalps when suddenly confronted by their employer, The Disciple of Naralax. Of this tauren, the Paladin Levittra was quoted as saying, "And I thought Fellowyowler was a dumb cow..."
Apparently, one of the main tenents of Naralax's followers is that "We must hurry!" means "Walk as slow as possible ensuring our enemies can catch up." It's little wonder why Naralax himself has been asleep for so long. After the grueling march of the Disciple the team finally reached the inner chamber where Naralax's unconscious form tossed and turned on his posturpedic slab of granite. Not so much as a pillow for neck support or even a blanket to keep warm. Offering these things only seemed to shame the Disciple who has been in charge of Naralax's comfort for light knows how long. His only comment being, "Duuuuuuuuuuuuh wutz blakitz?"
When the ritual began the Tards prepared themselves for the worst horrors of the netherworld to manifest themselves. Surely a being of immense evil power must be in control of a High druid such as Naralax. Surely the most cunning demon or monster from the void must be masterminding this horrid nightmare! BUT NO! With a blood-curdling cry of, "Mrgrgllrglglglrllrglrlglrlglrg!!!" Mutanas the big fat murloc charged flappy-feetedly at the super-team! In abject confusion and with much head-shaking disapproval they clobbered the pathetic fish-man and complained about the stench. When Naralax was finally roused from his slumber the Warlock Ashgar (ever the diplomat) gave a withering look at the two druids and said, "Are you fucking kidding me?!?! A MURLOC?!?!?! Why do we always have MORONS for employers?!" And stormed from the cave. Various rude gestures by the rest of the group followed and the mighty warrior Fellowyowler punched the Disciple in the stomach for wasting their time.
Edwin VanCleef, leader of the nefarious Defias syndicate has been killed!
Thanks to the steadfast efforts of the popular and ravishingly beautiful members of the super-hero club/cult <What in Tardation>, we can all sleep a bit better at night. No longer will the disgusting, backstabbing, terrible, racist, imperialistic, corrupt, loathsome, detestible citizens of Stormwind have to worry about these thuggish cutthroats. Many nay-sayers believe that the Defias is still going strong as only their leader was killed and that doesn't necissarily destroy an organization as vast as the Defias, but rest assured the Tards slaughtered a fair chunk of their entire organization... THREE TIMES. Desperately the helpless theives attempted to call every member from far and wide to stop the devastating assault of the <WiT> hit crew, but to no avail! Not even the clever application of patrol paths was any match for these daring souls.
Bound by an incredible sense of good form, the Tards even bore their deserving victims last words with them out of the Deadmines. VanCleef is quoted as saying, "You'll never defeat the Brotherhood!" just before simultaneously being fataly stabbed, slashed and shot with an arrow. The Tards themselves had little to say on the momentus occasion, however Gryan Stoutmantle, leader of The People's Militia in Westfall said, "Those dirty Horde! Now how am I supposed to get his head?! The fat cow crushed it with his fat hoof! HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GIVE THESE OUT NOW?!! I'VE GOT HUNDREDS!!!!!" Gryan promptly held up a Tunic of Westfall and indicated the mountainous pile of them stowed in his back room.
Another satisfied customer.
As for the Tards they've set their sites of doom on another target! The maniac druids of Wailing Caverns! Snakes! Raptors! Flying Snakes! Crocodiles! Snake-people! Slimes! People-snakes! 1 turtle! One thing is for sure... CARNAGE WILL ENSUE!!!!!!!
An adventure into the cavernous depths of the Deadmines by the loyal Horde super-team <What in Tardation> were thwarted in their attempt to end the reign of terror of one Edwin VanCleef, Defias Pirate.
Valiantly they fought through layers of dank and dusty tunnels and shafts, and even reached VanCleef's soon-to-be refitted pirate vessel. Though the Defias will have some serious reorganization issues in the future as a number of their officer cadre were sent to their final resting place, VanCleef himself escaped harm through a clever application of pizza, dogs, an over-active recruiting policy and some secret weapon many are calling "RHIYL LAHYPH" or RL for short. It is also suspected that the goblins employed by the Defias have invented some sort of arrow depletion ray which aided in their defense. The Tards where halted in their tracks aboard the ship just as they were preparing to assualt the poop deck! Levittra the Paladin was quoted as saying, "KAPPO BUFFED ME!!!" by way of explanation of the tragic events that led to defeat. Kappo the Druid who was accused of the untimely buffing was quoted in response saying, "WUT?" Fellowyowler the Warrior, captain of the elite team was questioned later in regards to the operation, but the cold, unblinking, emotionless, 100-yard staring, steely, cold, blank, stoic, unfeeling, cold, glassy-eyed, glossed-over, doe-eyed, moronic-looking cow-face merely held aloft sword and shield and droned the words, "ME TANK NAO?"
Although the threat of Defias piracy is far from a Horde problem, and more or less has little or no effect on our day to day... the Tards have vowed to once again enter the dungeon and claim VanCleef's head for their trophy room. We can all rest assured that somewhere out there is a group of like-minded individuals dedicated to beating things up regardless of their strategic importance.
- The Associated Press
(( 5/7 ain't bad!!! That was loads of fun! Stupid respawns!!! Anyway, thanks everyone for coming and I hope to see you Thursday! ))
So this is it, the brand spankin' new website for the Tards!We've got forums, polls, news and a calendar amongst other things. It's not the prettiest but all the other options were black and this one has a murloc picture so that's still very cool, imo. Our very first forum thread is about scheduling run times, we need to know what's most convenient for everyone. Originally it was saturdays and sundays, but maybe wednesdays would be better. We don't know, so let us know by registering your character for the site and posting in the forum!-Nyar